Un sentiment de primavara

Vai... am realizat cu stupoare cat de mult "modernism" denota blog-ul meu ce si-a inceput ascensiunea nedorita spre tarmurile engleze. Deci, m-am hotarat sa mai colorez putin suprafata interioara a gandurilor mele si in concluzie sa fac un "update" a informatiilor despre mine.

Anul 2010 si-a lasat deja amprenta in viata mea de mai bine de 3 luni, si, privind inapoi nu stiu daca observ ceata cea de mult apusa, ori caldura ce imi izbesta fiinta. Uneori credem ca suntem manati de instinct, alteori e insa mai usor sa nu hoinaresti fara un tel, cert este ca, societatea nu paseste, ci merge...In concluzie mergem si noi in rand cu ea. Poate nu suna pasnic dar uneori am impresia ca sunt tarata cu forta. Alteori sunt doar prea obosita sa gandesc si deci ma supun imprejurarilor. In schimb, sunt zile agasante, in care vreau sa devin propriul meu arhitect si sa-mi proiectez viata.

A venit primavara, e drept, a venit de ceva timp insa am impresia ca tot vine si eu o tot primesc.

Primavara te astept, nu fi timida. Fi blanda.

The thoughts of a girl

Time waits for no one. Its trail reveals the silent echoes of the present or of the forgotten past that some of us are scarcely trying to deny, which pains us the most. But actually it’s not the ephemeral existence of time that we fear, but the untouched thoughts that were not given life at the right time. For some, just mere words, as for others life itself drawn by facts. Sometimes I ask myself “Did you even had the time to admire the rainbow today, Indra? How long has it been since you last shed tears of joy over little insignificant things?” isn’t that the very essence of fulfillment that makes us happy? Why do we seem so keen to forget what life is all about? Why do we purposely throw away everything that once brought us balance just to thirst for it in the end? Is that the outstanding way that we humans use to evolve? “ Time waits for no one … “ how much this thought startled my mind, it seems as if we grow old of thinking not by committing sins. The soul dies, the senses feel remorse and we shut down from the only real things that once seemed real. What if we were too young to be born in the first place? When can we know for sure the right time to engulf the universe?
Tell me, what part of me changed, what chord has time struck over the last few weeks, months, years? Have I grown tired of waiting or keen of giving? I want to explode and seed all the feelings that have withered inside me. But then again it’s not only about me, I want to let my seeds wander inside of other people, all of whom I love and care for. One door closes and one opens still I have never found an alternative to time… an alternative to repair what was once destroyed...

Afraid

I can clearly remember some of the words that used to make my heart shudder because of the strong emotions I felt. But they have long been forgotten; It's not because I have changed too much, but because everything around me has changed. How can you still be the little girl you once been when you realise the clothes you wear are utterly big compared to the ones you used to wear. Sometimes we look for the wrong place when it comes to defining our personality, in the end we all have an old attic to deposit all sorts of things, your old self may be well one of "the clothes" you once wore.
I'm not even sure if we get wiser in time or we just have less energy to spend on emotions. Speaking of which, I remember an old joke a friend used to say " When you're 20 and you miss the bus, you run to catch it; When you're 30 and you miss the bus, you just calmly wait for the next one, running is not worth the trouble anymore; When you're 40 and you miss the bus ( supposing you still have to use one) you throughly take a taxi to work or just take a taxi to a next available bus station..." It has been a while since I realised how right he was. We don't get wiser, smarter, luckier...We undoubtly get too tired to follow the same track in our judgemental universe, as we get older. Inevitable, it's a bitter drink we all have to endure.
You may wonder what's my point, right? Now then let me explain: Since I do not fit any of the criteria ages I have spoken about, I would be the person who takes a walk to the next bus station, too afraid to wait, too aware of the biting cold.
Why do we stop loving the same once we get hurt? Even though, we find the right person, we are afraid to dream as we used to dream, we fear our lack of trust so we don't even bother offering it anymore. Yes of course, we do not stop loving, it would be impossible, but everytime we do, it's the effect of previous measured thoughts, linked together by past and probable future events. When we say " Yes, I'll marry you..."we seem inlove, blisfully happy, like the world is ours, but we actually feel that nothing is ours, we're sure of the fact that we're walking on thin ice, and when we say those big words in return, we're too tired to enjoy the real facts. I'm tired of wanting to see the world as perfect as I did before, I would have never had second thoughts about anyone who said they loved me; now I'm a coward, I avoid the circumstance, I avoid hearing those words, I know they mean trouble...I'm just like a bird, I don't mind coming closer if you seem like offering me love/happiness/the food of the soul, but once you make sudden move I'll definitely fly away...

First day of this year, no sleep, its 6 a.m for me.

And I am the happiest human being on earth right now. I just spoke on the phone with him ^-^ I feel like my batteries have been charged with 3 hours of sleep. Did I mention that the light coming from the monitor seems brighter? And...everything seems much more vivid and clear. Effects of the drug called love I guess. !!!

1. Rain for New Year's Eve (c'mon>.>) 2. Of course I had to eat fish and I didn't like it.
3. My box of matches didn't came in handy when I needed it most 4. How can you stay up untill 3-4 a.m every single morning and doze off when it's important? 5. To feel bad without drinking an entire glass of beer, which of course... never happened before.
-------------------- Lamish New Year's Eve evaaah, not to mention that I was kinda alone, just one " Congratulations and bla bla with mum and then I was like ok...That was odd. People I had expected to call didn't ( but of course ), people I had expected to answer my text messages also didn't, which bugged me even more cause I wasted energy typing when I could have watched a film or do anything funny. Next year I'll definitely act likewise. Merry Jolly New Year.
Oh yeah, the only fun I had was with these crazy little stuff. ( fireworks and I have just posted one photo taken today )

That certain somebody has trully made my day special, even though I thought it would turn out as the worse day ever. It's funny how sometimes the smallest things have the greatest impact on us. Just the right word at the right time and voila you can feel your heart drumming inside your chest. The other feeling that subsides love is yearning, a certain need, which keeps us wanting more, wanting and wanting up to the point of our evolution as a human being.
Sometimes I just feel like everything is just a dream, my perfect dream and sometimes I just don't want to wake up. These moments are worth living, worth living because of you, because of your existence.
Don't let me wake up please...

For My Love. "Now you are my life "

I didn't even glance at the doors. There was nothing else in the world but him again -his arms curled under me, his sweet breath on my face, his lips just inches from mine-and there was nothing that could distract me now, newborn vampire or not.
"We're going to tell Alice that I ran right to the clothes," I whispered, twisting my fingers into his hair and pulling my face closer to his. "We're going to tell her I spent hours in there playing dress-up. We're going to lie"
He caught up to my mood in an instant, or maybe he'd already been there, and he was just trying to let me fully appreciate my birthday present, like a gentleman. He pulled my face to his with a sudden fierceness, a low moan in his throat. The sound sent the electric current running through my body into a near-frenzy, like I couldn't get close enough to him fast enough.
I heard the fabric tearing under our hands, and I was glad my clothes, at least, were already destroyed. It was too late for his. It felt almost rude to ignore the pretty white bed, but we just weren't going to make it that far.
This second honeymoon wasn't like our first.
Our time on the island had been the epitome of my human life. The very best of it. I'd been so ready to string along my human time, just to hold on to what I had with him for a little while longer. Because the physical part wasn't going to be the same ever again.
I should have guessed, after a day like today, that it would be better.
I could really appreciate him now -could properly see every beautiful line of his perfect face, of his long, flawless body with my strong new eyes, every angle and every plane of him. I could taste his pure, vivid scent on my tongue and feel the unbelievable silkiness of his marble skin under my sensitive fingertips.
My skin was so sensitive under his hands, too.
He was all new, a different person as our bodies tangled gracefully into one on the sand-pale floor. No caution, no restraint. No fear -especially not that. We could love together- both active participants now. Finally equals.
Like our kisses before, every touch was more than I was used to. So much of himself he'd been holding back. Necessary at the time, but I couldn't believe how much I'd been missing.
I tried to keep in mind that I was stronger than he was, but it was hard to focus on anything with sensations so intense, pulling my attention to a million different places in my body every second; if I hurt him, he didn't complain.
A very, very small part of my head considered the interesting conundrum presented in this situation. I was never going to get tired, and neither was he. We didn't have to catch our breath or rest or eat or even use the bathroom; we had no more mundane human needs. He had the most beautiful, perfect body in the world and I had him all to myself, and it didn't feel like I was ever going to find a point where I would think, Now I've had enough for one day. I was always going to want more. And the day was never going to end. So, in such a situation, how did we ever stop?
It didn't bother me at all that I had no answer....

nights in white satin

My current state is starting to seem less and less interesting, not to mention amusing. I thought everything has an end but it seems there are some things which manage to avoid that. I wish I could avoid disappointment, insomnia, sadness; No, it's not lame, it's too casual and plain. In the end what really matters is how I fight and deal with everything coming in my life at this point. Again no, love has never left me for real, just took a long and necessary holiday for my own and personal content.

"Nights in white satin, never reaching the end,
Letters I've written, never meaning to send.
Beauty I'd always missed with these eyes before.
Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore.

Gazing at people, some hand in hand,
Just what I'm going through they can't understand.
Some try to tell me, thoughts they cannot defend,
Just what you want to be, you will be in the end.

And I love you, yes I love you,

Nights in white satin, never reaching the end,
Letters I've written, never meaning to send.
Beauty I've always missed, with these eyes before.
Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore.

Breath deep
The gathering gloom
Watch lights fade
From every room
Bedsitter people
Look back and lament
Another day's useless
Energy spent

Impassioned lovers
Wrestle as one
Lonely man cries for love
And has none
Senior citizens
Wish they were young

Cold hearted orb
That rules the night
Removes the colours
From our sight
Red is gray and
Yellow white
But we decide
Which is right
And
Which is an Illusion"

Behind brown Eyes

Yes, it may seem unfair, for me to say I feel hated or faded...So many people have it worse, but actually how can we be sure about that? Are we interested in them? Do we know their sorrows just because we seem them falling apart in front of us? There are so many things behind each thought, then how can we be sure there aren't other, more powerful and ragged stuff pilled up inside or behind a normal smile.I can admit it, I have never believed there was such a large scale of different problems all with the same prospect or treatment. And still you don't know how it will affect you. Unfortunately, the only people that may know how to describe this feeling, are those who had been on the ground, those strong, independent creatures who may as well be described as "above the average human being". Nevertheless, it must hard to accept such a meaningful compliment, isn't it? It's like telling yourself that, in order to become a successful bank manager you have to be torn into little pieces, scattered around the floor and then stomped on. Who would agree to such a cruel and brutal fate? It doesn't seem as a fair price at all... And to be honest, no one gives a damn if the floor was clean or not, we might not even know if somebody did it on purpose, toyed with us, playing with the key pieces of our puzzle. But in the end, when you realise you are, just a fragment of the biggest nothing you had ever imagined, what would you do? You don't even have a face, your heart is just an emotional record on tiny bit of memory, we can as well call it, individual cd. Yes of course...We could blame it on someone else, but then again, he's far away, maybe eating a hot dog, or sleeping on the sofa, who knows? Nothing would turn that useless thought away, words as " He'll get his share of problems " will seem relunctant, almost disturbing and empty. We truly are individualists, aware of it or not, how can we experience an unconditioned love, when we are so eager to receive affection/trust/protection and yes...love. Who does actually realise that one of the most important things on earth is how/when will you discover yourself, most of us, just think and spend time fantasizing about less complicated ways, if not effortless ways of enjoying the ride. Come to think of it, that's the reason why I had always hated cheap lines head in film, like : " Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome on board, please put on your seatbelt on and enjoy the ride...", oh how these words had tortured me in every possible and it will also torture you, my dear strangers, but it will wait for that prescise moment when you feel like everything is going smooth for unknown reasons...Wrong answer...So many of you, might now ask themselves the question: " Ok...So what's the point?". Well my point is stop searching for a point, or you'll just end up with this huge headache like I did...People will always mess it up, it's part of the cleaning process...

Nesupunere

Acum sunt mai pustie ca intotdeauna...Nu e tristete, e liniste, acea liniste apasatoare care te sufoaca cand privesti intr-o prapastie adanca...
Am inteles acum poate mai mult ca niciodata cat de mult inseamna pentru un om suferinta, cat de mult inseamna un lips, ceva de care are nevoie si nu este de gasit...Adesea m-am intrebat daca starea de fericire vesnica ar dauna prin aspectul ei continuu, prin echilibrul plictisitor sau doar din lipsa unei comparatii, lipsa unui aspect vital omului...Insa am realizat mult mai mult, fericirea ne considera irelevanti, dansa se ofera in scopul evolutiei atat personale cat si a noastra. Pare aproape imposibil, chiar daunator acest echilibru perfect, stabil care ne ofera toti parametrii necesari, altitudine pentru a zbura, adancime pentru a ne ascunde profunzimea gandurilor dar si un teren perfect, moale, cald si hranitor pentru a oferii iubire, fericire si motivatie altora. Nesupunerea noastra produce un alt dezechilibru, de factura artificiala. Nu conteaza dimensiunea nesupunerii...legea nu isi cultiva subiectivitate si nici sentimente...Asemenea cadouri sunt oferite copiilor...Da straine, fara nesupunerea ta, fara ea nu vei putea evolua, eu vorbesc de un tip special de nesupunere... Unul fractionat din bunatate, unul deosebit, unic prin care iti este oferita sansa unui alt raspuns la rugaminti...Zambeste straine, maine va fi diferit, bine...rau...cine stie? E diferit...maine ai sansa sa-ti intinzi aripile, maine ai sansa sa descoperi ceva pretios cand te vei pierde in intunecimea fara fund...sau vei da nastere unei legaturi mai puternice catre univers, vei oferi o viata pura ce va intregii legaturile oamenilor...

What Kind of Love?

A dream of dwelling inside,
alone we come and alone we go.
And who am I to know what I feel?
Sympathy that's tearing me apart?
Attraction of the distance to heart of affinity?
What if love will leave your heart an open sore
And I can't reveal what even I don't know?
The love you feel you waste away on me.
What kind of love would let us bleed away?
No kind of love would make us bleed away.
If only you could be
the one to take a look inside.
I feel so incomplete.
A broken man in need of mother love.
I'm suffering in silence
And no one wants to see
And only god is watching as I bleed
a star above - my matching piece
What if love will leave your heart an open sore
And I can't reveal what even I don't know
The love you feel you waste away on me
What kind of love would let us bleed away
No kind of love would make us bleed away
Feel - that's all you gotta do
And it will heal you
Feel the pain to lead you home to peace of mind
Dwell inside
Feel - that's all you gotta do
And it will heal the wound
Feel the pain be a song for peace of mind
Dwell inside

P.s Happy Birtday Dad.