Afraid

I can clearly remember some of the words that used to make my heart shudder because of the strong emotions I felt. But they have long been forgotten; It's not because I have changed too much, but because everything around me has changed. How can you still be the little girl you once been when you realise the clothes you wear are utterly big compared to the ones you used to wear. Sometimes we look for the wrong place when it comes to defining our personality, in the end we all have an old attic to deposit all sorts of things, your old self may be well one of "the clothes" you once wore.
I'm not even sure if we get wiser in time or we just have less energy to spend on emotions. Speaking of which, I remember an old joke a friend used to say " When you're 20 and you miss the bus, you run to catch it; When you're 30 and you miss the bus, you just calmly wait for the next one, running is not worth the trouble anymore; When you're 40 and you miss the bus ( supposing you still have to use one) you throughly take a taxi to work or just take a taxi to a next available bus station..." It has been a while since I realised how right he was. We don't get wiser, smarter, luckier...We undoubtly get too tired to follow the same track in our judgemental universe, as we get older. Inevitable, it's a bitter drink we all have to endure.
You may wonder what's my point, right? Now then let me explain: Since I do not fit any of the criteria ages I have spoken about, I would be the person who takes a walk to the next bus station, too afraid to wait, too aware of the biting cold.
Why do we stop loving the same once we get hurt? Even though, we find the right person, we are afraid to dream as we used to dream, we fear our lack of trust so we don't even bother offering it anymore. Yes of course, we do not stop loving, it would be impossible, but everytime we do, it's the effect of previous measured thoughts, linked together by past and probable future events. When we say " Yes, I'll marry you..."we seem inlove, blisfully happy, like the world is ours, but we actually feel that nothing is ours, we're sure of the fact that we're walking on thin ice, and when we say those big words in return, we're too tired to enjoy the real facts. I'm tired of wanting to see the world as perfect as I did before, I would have never had second thoughts about anyone who said they loved me; now I'm a coward, I avoid the circumstance, I avoid hearing those words, I know they mean trouble...I'm just like a bird, I don't mind coming closer if you seem like offering me love/happiness/the food of the soul, but once you make sudden move I'll definitely fly away...

First day of this year, no sleep, its 6 a.m for me.

And I am the happiest human being on earth right now. I just spoke on the phone with him ^-^ I feel like my batteries have been charged with 3 hours of sleep. Did I mention that the light coming from the monitor seems brighter? And...everything seems much more vivid and clear. Effects of the drug called love I guess. !!!

1. Rain for New Year's Eve (c'mon>.>) 2. Of course I had to eat fish and I didn't like it.
3. My box of matches didn't came in handy when I needed it most 4. How can you stay up untill 3-4 a.m every single morning and doze off when it's important? 5. To feel bad without drinking an entire glass of beer, which of course... never happened before.
-------------------- Lamish New Year's Eve evaaah, not to mention that I was kinda alone, just one " Congratulations and bla bla with mum and then I was like ok...That was odd. People I had expected to call didn't ( but of course ), people I had expected to answer my text messages also didn't, which bugged me even more cause I wasted energy typing when I could have watched a film or do anything funny. Next year I'll definitely act likewise. Merry Jolly New Year.
Oh yeah, the only fun I had was with these crazy little stuff. ( fireworks and I have just posted one photo taken today )

That certain somebody has trully made my day special, even though I thought it would turn out as the worse day ever. It's funny how sometimes the smallest things have the greatest impact on us. Just the right word at the right time and voila you can feel your heart drumming inside your chest. The other feeling that subsides love is yearning, a certain need, which keeps us wanting more, wanting and wanting up to the point of our evolution as a human being.
Sometimes I just feel like everything is just a dream, my perfect dream and sometimes I just don't want to wake up. These moments are worth living, worth living because of you, because of your existence.
Don't let me wake up please...